boy talk!

I'm not sure when I found this, but I saved it, forgot and came across it today while looking through pictures. It rings so true to me. I think we've all had that boy (or two) who he hold on to for what ever reason and just can't let go. We put more effort into them and the relationship than they do. And it sucks. It leaves you feeling sad and upset and often times like you're not worth it.

I've been dealing with this for probably the past two years or so. Yes, you read that right. TWO. YEARS. Yes, this probably does mean that I am crazy. I just felt like with such deep seeded history and with everything we had been through, I couldn't let go. Because I didn't want to let go of that history. I hated accepting the fact that we weren't together and probably would never be again, let alone that we probably weren't going to be close friends. So I hung on like a child hangs on to a parent because they're terrified. Totally looking past the fact that he wasn't even putting a quarter of the effort that I was into this so called "friendship" that we said we wanted if we weren't going to be together. It didn't help that we weren't sure where the line was or how to be platonic. Sometimes we were more than friends, sometimes we were just friends. Our line was very, very blurry.

Him moving was probably the best thing to happen to me because I wasn't as wrapped up in it. But I did text to my little heart's content. I constantly wanted to make sure he was OK, that he was having fun, what was he doing? Was he making new friends? Oh God, was he dating?! I couldn't handle that. But I wasn't ready to let go so I just kept smothering. I mean after all, eventually he'll get his shit together and realize not only am I a bomb ass friend, but sweet mother of God, I'm a great girlfriend and how could he NOT be with me??

Except... that never happened. Oh, but it kind of did at one point.  A random text in the middle of the day earlier this Summer to tell me he had been thinking of me and us and wanted me to not only make the trek across the country to be with him, but to move in with him. WHAT?! Oh, shit. My heart sank and fluttered. But then his words were quickly retracted and he decided he was "lonely" and it wasn't actually going to work; it was impossible. He would send me mixed signals like this. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.

I'm not sure what clicked in my brain. Maybe it's that I'm 26 and feeling more and more like a woman and not a young girl who still fumbles to find her way. I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin, and damnit man, I think I'm kind of worth it.

Just like that, the sun came out, my foggy head cleared and bam. He was out of my life, just like that. No turning back. I had to do it because I wasn't worth his time. Why should he be worth mine? It was liberating to know that I put my foot down. I ended it. I said no more. The more I went out I realized, there were nice guys who wanted to date me. WHAT?! No way! Had this always been happening and I was just too blinded by the other guy who so clearly was taking advantage of my kindness?! Whoa.

Who knows what's to come of this. But I'll tell you how lovely and freeing it feels. I feel for any woman out there who has a sad little story like mine, because I get it. I didn't use to, but now I do. I wish we could all see just how great we are. We are women, hear us roar. :)

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