Depression, I'll give into you just for a night.

I literally have thought about blogging a lot. It was on my mind all last week. Today also. Sometimes I find myself really having the urge to purge. Get everything out that's swirling around in this head of mine. But then I remember that this is all public. Not everything can be documented on here because well... I do like the idea of having some kind of privacy. 

So, depression? Well, I'm slowly learning that it's an illness that doesn't really go away. As happy as I can be. Feeling so free and secure in my being. Feeling like I am in total and complete control of my mind, body and soul. It's especially crushing when you feel like that and yet it still creeps in and shows it's ugly self. And it makes me shameful. I seclude and refuse to talk about it because I know at least where I'm at and the people I know even in 2013, it's still very looked down on. Very taboo. Very misunderstand. And it makes me feel like a fraud.

It doesn't mean I'm depressed every single day. It doesn't mean when I am happy that I am lying about it or not genuinely happy. I cannot just "go for a walk" and it goes away. The very things that will help me are what my illness doesn't allow me to do. It will cripple you.  

Friends often want to shrug it off, act like it's nothing. Especially since 95% of the time I am so happy go lucky and positive. This isn't comforting, by the way. Some want to just drown you in their own advice and/or similar experiences and how they can relate. I've honestly not had a friend who has depression, so I'm only speaking for myself. But I know that sometimes, I don't want advice. I also don't others to try to relate or "one up" me in my feelings. I just want people to know I'm not in the best of moods as an explanation and that's all. It's not an invitation to shed light on me. Or "cheer" me up. 

That's where I'm at. And I figure while I'm not ready to spill my guts completely, it's a little liberating and freeing. Even if it's just a blog that hardly anyone reads. To be completely honest with who I am and what I'm feeling and to start removing the  shame I carry with this. 

What I know for sure is that this too shall pass. I've been feeling it creep in, I shut it out, took all the precautions and it still made it's way in. But it's not forever. And if I can acknowledge it and continue to make strides then I'm winning.

To smiles and sunshine and happy hearts, 

Alex