Depression, I'll give into you just for a night.

I literally have thought about blogging a lot. It was on my mind all last week. Today also. Sometimes I find myself really having the urge to purge. Get everything out that's swirling around in this head of mine. But then I remember that this is all public. Not everything can be documented on here because well... I do like the idea of having some kind of privacy. 

So, depression? Well, I'm slowly learning that it's an illness that doesn't really go away. As happy as I can be. Feeling so free and secure in my being. Feeling like I am in total and complete control of my mind, body and soul. It's especially crushing when you feel like that and yet it still creeps in and shows it's ugly self. And it makes me shameful. I seclude and refuse to talk about it because I know at least where I'm at and the people I know even in 2013, it's still very looked down on. Very taboo. Very misunderstand. And it makes me feel like a fraud.

It doesn't mean I'm depressed every single day. It doesn't mean when I am happy that I am lying about it or not genuinely happy. I cannot just "go for a walk" and it goes away. The very things that will help me are what my illness doesn't allow me to do. It will cripple you.  

Friends often want to shrug it off, act like it's nothing. Especially since 95% of the time I am so happy go lucky and positive. This isn't comforting, by the way. Some want to just drown you in their own advice and/or similar experiences and how they can relate. I've honestly not had a friend who has depression, so I'm only speaking for myself. But I know that sometimes, I don't want advice. I also don't others to try to relate or "one up" me in my feelings. I just want people to know I'm not in the best of moods as an explanation and that's all. It's not an invitation to shed light on me. Or "cheer" me up. 

That's where I'm at. And I figure while I'm not ready to spill my guts completely, it's a little liberating and freeing. Even if it's just a blog that hardly anyone reads. To be completely honest with who I am and what I'm feeling and to start removing the  shame I carry with this. 

What I know for sure is that this too shall pass. I've been feeling it creep in, I shut it out, took all the precautions and it still made it's way in. But it's not forever. And if I can acknowledge it and continue to make strides then I'm winning.

To smiles and sunshine and happy hearts, 

Alex

You're a king and I'm a lion heart.

This week started out smooth sailing. I was ready to rock and roll, lovers. But Tuesday night I felt the funk creepin' in. I started to fixate on the things that were bugging me. The things that I can't always control. And the things that I can, but still allow to get out of control. Stress and anxiety started to build up and then came the blues.

 For someone who has dealt with depression for just about her entire life, it will definitely get you nervous. Is this just a case of the blues and it'll blow over? Or is this a full on hole I'm falling into? It's been so long since I've fallen into a deep depression. For anyone who deals with it, you know it's not easy. You really can't just "snap out of it" or "take a walk". If it were that simple, I don't believe the illness would exist. There are days where I could literally just sit and weep. Cry until I physically am hurting from it. The sadness swallows you up. I'm trying to stay away from all of that.

If I find myself drifting in time, I can catch it. This week I found myself drifting off into "la la land" as my Grandmother used to call it. Boom. React now, Alex, before you can't. Strap on those running shoes and take in some mother nature while I can. Force myself to respond to texts and not become a recluse. Breathe in, breathe out. Find that peace you know and be still in it.

Here I am. Goofball City. Hear that, Darkness? You can't get me today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime soon. I'm all sunshine and laughter from here on out. Put that in your juice box and suck on it.

Happy hearts,

Alex

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes.

Well, Ladies and Gents. I feel like I'm getting my funky flare back! I realized a while a go I was in some sort of haze. It was almost like every day that I woke up I was in some kind of foggy state of mind. This is not abnormal for me. I've suffered from "the blues" ever since I was a little girl. Yes, that scary word... depression. It comes and goes.

This was one of my longer bouts. But the fog has lifted. I've decided to make more of a conscious effort to keep myself engaged, focus, and always in the moment. Not drifting off to those negative, pessimistic, anxious thoughts that can send me into a downward spiral. Especially before bed.

Anyone else get like this?

When it's run it's course, it's seriously like "waking up". You have more energy, you're beaming with joy, everything sounds wonderful.

This isn't to say I wasn't happy before. I was. I am most of the time. I'm known to be "upbeat" and "bubbly". But something felt "off". I have my Father's genetics to thank for that one.

Anyway. I'm awake. I'm happy. I'm grateful. I'm all your's, World. Let's go. :)

Happy Hearts,

Alex