Depression, I'll give into you just for a night.

I literally have thought about blogging a lot. It was on my mind all last week. Today also. Sometimes I find myself really having the urge to purge. Get everything out that's swirling around in this head of mine. But then I remember that this is all public. Not everything can be documented on here because well... I do like the idea of having some kind of privacy. 

So, depression? Well, I'm slowly learning that it's an illness that doesn't really go away. As happy as I can be. Feeling so free and secure in my being. Feeling like I am in total and complete control of my mind, body and soul. It's especially crushing when you feel like that and yet it still creeps in and shows it's ugly self. And it makes me shameful. I seclude and refuse to talk about it because I know at least where I'm at and the people I know even in 2013, it's still very looked down on. Very taboo. Very misunderstand. And it makes me feel like a fraud.

It doesn't mean I'm depressed every single day. It doesn't mean when I am happy that I am lying about it or not genuinely happy. I cannot just "go for a walk" and it goes away. The very things that will help me are what my illness doesn't allow me to do. It will cripple you.  

Friends often want to shrug it off, act like it's nothing. Especially since 95% of the time I am so happy go lucky and positive. This isn't comforting, by the way. Some want to just drown you in their own advice and/or similar experiences and how they can relate. I've honestly not had a friend who has depression, so I'm only speaking for myself. But I know that sometimes, I don't want advice. I also don't others to try to relate or "one up" me in my feelings. I just want people to know I'm not in the best of moods as an explanation and that's all. It's not an invitation to shed light on me. Or "cheer" me up. 

That's where I'm at. And I figure while I'm not ready to spill my guts completely, it's a little liberating and freeing. Even if it's just a blog that hardly anyone reads. To be completely honest with who I am and what I'm feeling and to start removing the  shame I carry with this. 

What I know for sure is that this too shall pass. I've been feeling it creep in, I shut it out, took all the precautions and it still made it's way in. But it's not forever. And if I can acknowledge it and continue to make strides then I'm winning.

To smiles and sunshine and happy hearts, 

Alex

You're a king and I'm a lion heart.

This week started out smooth sailing. I was ready to rock and roll, lovers. But Tuesday night I felt the funk creepin' in. I started to fixate on the things that were bugging me. The things that I can't always control. And the things that I can, but still allow to get out of control. Stress and anxiety started to build up and then came the blues.

 For someone who has dealt with depression for just about her entire life, it will definitely get you nervous. Is this just a case of the blues and it'll blow over? Or is this a full on hole I'm falling into? It's been so long since I've fallen into a deep depression. For anyone who deals with it, you know it's not easy. You really can't just "snap out of it" or "take a walk". If it were that simple, I don't believe the illness would exist. There are days where I could literally just sit and weep. Cry until I physically am hurting from it. The sadness swallows you up. I'm trying to stay away from all of that.

If I find myself drifting in time, I can catch it. This week I found myself drifting off into "la la land" as my Grandmother used to call it. Boom. React now, Alex, before you can't. Strap on those running shoes and take in some mother nature while I can. Force myself to respond to texts and not become a recluse. Breathe in, breathe out. Find that peace you know and be still in it.

Here I am. Goofball City. Hear that, Darkness? You can't get me today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime soon. I'm all sunshine and laughter from here on out. Put that in your juice box and suck on it.

Happy hearts,

Alex

and so we move forward.

I'm not even going to attempt to sugar coat it. This past week over here has been somber. Depressing to say the least.

I wasn't sure I was able to handle much more heartache and raw emotion after the passing of my best friend's baby. How do you comfort a mother who has lost her child? How do you convince her there's light at the end of the tunnel? You don't. You just let her cry and sob and you listen to her heart break all while letting her know you're there. Secretly allowing your's to break along with her's in silence.

Then the boy who I struggled for so long with and finally said goodbye to, reappeared. His Mom texted me the sweetest, kindest message. She also told me all about him and how she hoped we could get together during the holidays on his trip home. Oh. So, he's yet to tell her that we hate each other's guts at the moment (well, I've decided to stop hating on my end and just let it be). It made me sad that she wants a get together and that's far from impossible. It made me more sad that as adults we've managed to act like children and come to this place where we can't just do that. But oh, well. Like I said, I've let it be. I will say, I do enjoy her friendship.

I got over that hurdle and accepted her kindness, and then received a phone call. "You're never going to believe who I just got off the phone with!" My mom said on the other line. My Dad's sister, Susan. What? I had been trying to to contact my Dad's side of the family since I found out about his death a few months ago. The people I found ignored me and the other numbers I had were dead ends. This week? Out of all weeks. This is the one that my family finds me and wants to reconnect and share how my Dad died. Que any kind of emotion you can think of, multiply by 100 and that's a fraction of how I felt. Oh, and don't forget to add in the all the snotty tears.

Cirrhosis of the liver. I guess that'll happen when you're an alcoholic. What made me the most sad was that he had the option to live. His sister was willing to give some her of liver to him. He declined knowing he wouldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Wow. He chose his addiction over me so many times. But his own life? Wow. Speechless. Heartbreaking. The worst part for me was when Susan told me she had found my Facebook while my Dad was still alive. She printed out my Facebook picture to show him what I looked like all grown up. Why? Why not contact me? I understand the shame and guilt he must've felt, but for Christ's sake. He was dying. He settled for a picture? Another wow. So upsetting and saddening. I'm still attempting to find the gleam of hope and inspiration in this. It's all just a puddle of depressing to me.

I have plans to re-connect with that side of the family. His ashes were thrown into a river he used to always fish at. So I'd like to visit it. Really, I'll just see where it goes from here.

But now? Now I move forward. Because I can't allow this sadness to swallow me up. I won't. I'm not going to repeat the cycle of my Dad. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Happy Hearts,

Alex