Are we breaking up?

Has anyone ever broken up with a friend? I slowly broke up with a friend and it really hit me this weekend that we're done. It's weird breaking up with a friend; it really is kind of like breaking up with a significant other. Especially when it's not because you two had a fight or a huge falling out of some kind. 

I met my friend years back. They were just someone I worked with and before we knew it, we were pretty much inseparable. When we weren't hanging out at work, we were on the phone or hanging out outside of work. When I moved on from that job, I realized, this might've been a case of convenience for my friend. It was easy to be my friend because I was there. Once I left and it took more of an effort, our friendship was still there, but it wasn't nearly as strong and I could see it was starting to fizzle. 

It wasn't long before we were working together again, and we were right back on track to bestie-hood. Always hanging out. I was even in this person's wedding (I had also become close with their spouse). I remember that day like it was yesterday. Right before we walked out of the bathroom, looking at each other, crying, and just exclaiming how much we loved each other and how happy I was for them. I made a speech about how I loved them both so much and wished them nothing but happiness together. So... what happened?

To say I'm unsure would be a bold faced lie. My friend changed their political beliefs as did their spouse. During election time I was constantly reading how dumb my opinions were, how stupid I was for being anything other than an extreme conservative and it all came from the two people I had spent the majority of my time with the past four years. People who I adored and loved like family. What made them do a total 180? And if they really were believing in different things these days then how come their lifestyle wasn't changing a long with those beliefs (a.k.a. hypocrisy)? It was so obvious I was shunned by both of them and you could start to see us drift away from one another. 

People change. It's only natural. It's supposed to happen, right? We are forever learning; evolving. I get that. Soon I realized it had been months since we'd actually hung out outside of work. And our conversation at work? No longer about us. But about work. It stung when I realized I wasn't the first one to hear special news, and I wasn't the first one to be told the sad news. I no longer get phone calls, and this weekend there was a birthday celebration without me. 

It's not to say I blame them. All communication has pretty much stopped on my end as well. They aren't the first people to come to mind when I think of "friends" and who I want to talk to, text, or spend time with. But it does hurt my feelings and it does make me sad occasionally.

Our breakup happened over a period of time, but like I mentioned, this weekend it really hit me. We are broken up. Much like a breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend, I do mourn our friendship. Our fun times, our serious times, our times. I can't even really call this person my friend. They're merely an acquaintance. We can get all excited to see one another at work, and laugh and chat, but who are we fooling? We're no longer together. We've changed. We grew apart.

And I'm learning to accept that it's OK. 

and so we move forward.

I'm not even going to attempt to sugar coat it. This past week over here has been somber. Depressing to say the least.

I wasn't sure I was able to handle much more heartache and raw emotion after the passing of my best friend's baby. How do you comfort a mother who has lost her child? How do you convince her there's light at the end of the tunnel? You don't. You just let her cry and sob and you listen to her heart break all while letting her know you're there. Secretly allowing your's to break along with her's in silence.

Then the boy who I struggled for so long with and finally said goodbye to, reappeared. His Mom texted me the sweetest, kindest message. She also told me all about him and how she hoped we could get together during the holidays on his trip home. Oh. So, he's yet to tell her that we hate each other's guts at the moment (well, I've decided to stop hating on my end and just let it be). It made me sad that she wants a get together and that's far from impossible. It made me more sad that as adults we've managed to act like children and come to this place where we can't just do that. But oh, well. Like I said, I've let it be. I will say, I do enjoy her friendship.

I got over that hurdle and accepted her kindness, and then received a phone call. "You're never going to believe who I just got off the phone with!" My mom said on the other line. My Dad's sister, Susan. What? I had been trying to to contact my Dad's side of the family since I found out about his death a few months ago. The people I found ignored me and the other numbers I had were dead ends. This week? Out of all weeks. This is the one that my family finds me and wants to reconnect and share how my Dad died. Que any kind of emotion you can think of, multiply by 100 and that's a fraction of how I felt. Oh, and don't forget to add in the all the snotty tears.

Cirrhosis of the liver. I guess that'll happen when you're an alcoholic. What made me the most sad was that he had the option to live. His sister was willing to give some her of liver to him. He declined knowing he wouldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Wow. He chose his addiction over me so many times. But his own life? Wow. Speechless. Heartbreaking. The worst part for me was when Susan told me she had found my Facebook while my Dad was still alive. She printed out my Facebook picture to show him what I looked like all grown up. Why? Why not contact me? I understand the shame and guilt he must've felt, but for Christ's sake. He was dying. He settled for a picture? Another wow. So upsetting and saddening. I'm still attempting to find the gleam of hope and inspiration in this. It's all just a puddle of depressing to me.

I have plans to re-connect with that side of the family. His ashes were thrown into a river he used to always fish at. So I'd like to visit it. Really, I'll just see where it goes from here.

But now? Now I move forward. Because I can't allow this sadness to swallow me up. I won't. I'm not going to repeat the cycle of my Dad. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Happy Hearts,

Alex

Saying goodbye and asking for help.

It's been a somber couple of days over here. Today I'm reaching out to every person I can, hoping you can find it in your hearts to donate to a woman who I love and cherish so dearly with everything I've got. 

I've talked about my best friend Ana here. She's one of the greatest people I know. Friends since high school. Now we consider each other family; sisters. And if I could figure out a way to take her pain away right now, I would. Even if it meant me taking it all on for her. 

She is now back in the U.S. after serving two years in the Peace Corps. Amongst the treasures she brought back with her, she brought a sweet little boy to be named Mateo in her belly. It was unexpected, but we all welcomed this surprise with open arms. She decided to stay in Vermont for a few weeks on a much deserved vacation before officially coming home to Florida and settling back in to "the real world". 

Unexpectedly, Ana went into preterm labour on Tuesday. She gave birth to sweet little Mateo on November 27th. Even at 1lb 6oz, he was a fighter. His little body fought with everything he had in the NICU. Sadly, early yesterday morning, Baby Mateo left us. 

I cannot explain the sadness that takes over your body. I cannot fathom the feelings that have taken over Ana's body and mind. I don't even think there are words that even can describe them. 

Because Ana was on vacation and not expecting any of this we now bear the burden of the financial costs to bring baby Mateo home, burial costs and giving him a beautiful service. This is too much for Ana to bear alone. 

I am asking anyone who reads this or may come across this blog, that you find it in your hearts to donate what ever you can spare to help bring baby Mateo home and give him a service.  Whether it be a dollar or two. 

This is an opportunity to pay it forward to a woman who has dedicated years to serving others and gracing everyone in her path with nothing but kindness. 

Participating in that same kindness and grace is something we can all benefit from. 

Click here to donate.  If you have any questions you can email me at organic.alex@gmail.com 

Kindly, 

Alex 

Tell the world that she's comin' home!

This is one of my best (of the best of best) friends, Ana. I realize in this picture that we look like a couple, and it cracks me up. It's about three years old. Shortly before she left for the PeaceCorps.

Just the other day I got message from Ana asking that we stay friends forever. I'm sure that we will have no problem remaining friends forever because we have such a respect for our friendship. We really value it and put effort into it. She's like my sister.

She left for the Peacecorps a little over two years ago and I was totally heartbroken. I remember leaving the airport and I couldn't control just how hard I was sobbing. Our friend at the time, Macho, held my hand the entire drive back home. I think everyone in that car could feel my sadness. It was a chapter in our lives that had come to a close and I was reluctant. Who was I going to call and talk to for hours on end every single day? Who was going to hang out with me and do absolutely nothing but still have the time of their life? Who was going to go on spontaneous, random adventures and explore all of Florida (and actually want to) with me? Who the hell was going to laugh so hard they couldn't breathe with me?! Who would I run to when I needed help, advice, genuine love from a true friend? Two years would go by and I'd be without her and any of that. Not knowing when I'd get to speak to her or see her. I honestly felt so lost.

Ana has been gone for a little over two years now giving her time and showering her love to a town in Peru. We speak as often as we can. Letters, emails, notebooks. It's so crazy to think it's been two years. TWO YEARS. That co-dependent 24 year old Alex has done some growing. It took a long while for me to adjust, but I learned so much and grew an even bigger appreciation for my best friend.

And now? Ana makes the trek back home! Today is her last day as a volunteer. Nothing yet everything has changed in two years. It will definitely be different. We did indeed end that chapter, started a new one, and now that one is done. A new starts soon. Oh, how different everything will be. Life is different. It's definitely going to take some adjusting to have her back. Along the way, I've gathered new friends, new experiences, new life lessons. As has she. But I can't wait to have my friend back. I'm jumping with joy; squeeling with excitement.

Here's to our new chapter in our book of friendship. Love you, my soul sister.