You're a king and I'm a lion heart.

This week started out smooth sailing. I was ready to rock and roll, lovers. But Tuesday night I felt the funk creepin' in. I started to fixate on the things that were bugging me. The things that I can't always control. And the things that I can, but still allow to get out of control. Stress and anxiety started to build up and then came the blues.

 For someone who has dealt with depression for just about her entire life, it will definitely get you nervous. Is this just a case of the blues and it'll blow over? Or is this a full on hole I'm falling into? It's been so long since I've fallen into a deep depression. For anyone who deals with it, you know it's not easy. You really can't just "snap out of it" or "take a walk". If it were that simple, I don't believe the illness would exist. There are days where I could literally just sit and weep. Cry until I physically am hurting from it. The sadness swallows you up. I'm trying to stay away from all of that.

If I find myself drifting in time, I can catch it. This week I found myself drifting off into "la la land" as my Grandmother used to call it. Boom. React now, Alex, before you can't. Strap on those running shoes and take in some mother nature while I can. Force myself to respond to texts and not become a recluse. Breathe in, breathe out. Find that peace you know and be still in it.

Here I am. Goofball City. Hear that, Darkness? You can't get me today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime soon. I'm all sunshine and laughter from here on out. Put that in your juice box and suck on it.

Happy hearts,

Alex

Can't feel my legs anymore, I'm still running.

Evening run the other night with a friend.

One of my goals this year is to get back into running. Running is never something that I thought I'd be into. In fact, the first day I attempted to run, I was almost certain I was dying. I'm not the type of person to "push through" when things get hard. I'm the type of person to throw my hands up and walk away. I've done this literally my entire life. After the first day of what I thought of as utter and complete hell, I couldn't believe that I was getting my shoes on to do it again. That week was probably the hardest thing I've done physically. I pretty much had a tantrum. I screamed, kicked, cried. I was angry that I had to "push through"; that it didn't come naturally or easy. Why did I keep doing something that felt like hell, hurt, and made me so angry?! Well, I'm not sure (because like we've discussed this is not typical Alex behavior), but I'm so glad that I did. 

I remember running one day and it was literally like the clouds cleared, the sun came through and my body felt lighter. Clarity. I DID IT. I fucking ran and I liked it. I didn't want to stop. I wasn't counting down the minutes until we were done. I was in my zone. 

Then my knees started to hurt. And I did everything that was recommended, but after weeks of not being able to run, I was so discouraged and sad that I just stopped trying. Running became a distant dream. It made me so bummed out. Did I let my body get so off track that I wasn't able to bring it back? How could I have done this to myself? Shame.

But here I am. Ready to go again. I'm going to take it slow, see what happens. Take all the  proper precautions.  Hopefully this time around I won't hurt myself. I'm also going to attempt to dabble in cycling and maybe even some yoga. Any suggestions on what types of Yoga, at home DVDs, etc. is welcomed! 

Happy Hearts,

Alex

The dog days are over.

Last week I got an email from my Director letting me know a woman had left a message in hopes we could partner up and help her with an event she was hosting. Alright, I'll give her a call. I played phone tag with this woman for an entire day and in one message even gave my email address so she could give me details. She opted to text me instead. With what may just very well be the worst texting skills on the planet. I'm talking incomplete sentences, misspelled words, "0"s instead of "O"s. Serious? Nothing she sent me made any sense. I politely told her I already had an event lined up the day her's was, but I wished her the best of luck. Her response? "P0:-)" Whaaat? She continued to text me asking me if I'd be available other days (no, ma'am). This was a little bit frustrating because 1.) I already politely declined 2.)She's continuing to TEXT on me on my personal phone.

Well, I thought I shook this lady. But... wrong! She TEXTED ME AT FIVE THIRTY THIS MORNING. Yes. 5:30am. You know? When it's still pitch black out? The Sun hasn't even risen. On the weekends I am known to perhaps just be strollin' in through the door at this time. ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME, MA'AM!

I don't know who this person is, I don't know what kind of business she's running. But I couldn't believe how unprofessional she was/is. Ok, yes, times are changing. Technology; I get it, I support it, I embrace it. But is it now appropriate to TEXT possible future business partners? Then to text so damn early in the morning? I am not nor will I ever be up and working at that time. Ever. So bizarre. My mind was blown.

Thank God for the new "Do Not Disturb" option on the iphone. Otherwise, it may not have ended well.