Brain to keyboard to blog.

"Right person, wrong time." 

I touched on this in my "Currently..." post. And I kind of want to take some time to get those jumbled little thoughts out about it. Maybe someone can relate, maybe someone can give me some advice or just share their thoughts too. Either way. 

"Right person, wrong time" right now is more like "Super crazy right person - practically perfect maybe even THE ONE, super shitty wrong time." So what do you do? Both parties agree that this coupling is one people dream of. The kind that girls cry about wanting and yearn for their whole adolescence. I don't know about guys since I'm not one, but maybe they cry about it too. Who knows. Anyway, one of the two (and you can guess who it is) has decided to finally dive head first into their dream. Putting nothing else a head of that. And it just so happened to be right when the Universe introduced us to each other. 

What do you do? Does one wait for the other? Give up completely? Say goodbye? Keep in touch? I can say that I felt as though we were really brought together by something much bigger than us. A string of events that were so out of the ordinary for me and one brave un-characteristic move on his part. But then it was fizzle city. There just isn't any time to be had for anything but dreams and careers it seems. 

I come back to the same question, "WHAT DO YOU DO?!" and I guess I kind of know. I also kind of want someone to tell me what I want to hear. I also want to believe and feel what's right and have confidence in it and be at peace with it. Put it on the back burner in hopes something comes from it? All while still keeping our options open? Then what if someone comes along. Will you always wonder what could've been with that "right person, wrong time" person? Sounds miserable. I also feel like, you make time for what's most important. But I know how easy it is to be a slave to time and how hard it is to break free.

Right now I sit with, "let it go". If something is going to happen, it will. Right? 

But classy girls don't kiss in bars, you fool.

Alright, 2012, looks like this is it. We rode it out for 365 days and now it's time for you to hit the road. Never to be seen again; bittersweet. Mostly, I think you and I had fun and lots and lots of learning.

In the beginning of the year I was set on creating the best year possible. I felt like the energy surrounding me was so thick with positivity. This was truly "my year".

In the spring I turned twenty-six and started to really panic. I was no longer in my "early to mid twenties". I can now be referred to as "late twenties" and I'm four years away from thirty. Which wouldn't be so terrifying if I felt like I had some direction to my life. Ha. We also needed to find ourselves a third room mate as the current one decided she was on her way to the big apple to move in with friends of our's that already lived there.

Summer came and it couldn't have been a rougher time for me. In the beginning of the year, I had decided I was at a point to let an old boyfriend back into my life as a good friend. Things got complicated when he asked me to move in with him (across country mind you) and then it unraveled and I realized I wasn't sure we knew how to be "just friends". Ever.  Shit was not fun to say the least. I learned a lot about myself though. We also said goodbye to our third room mate and welcomed a new friend into our home. I got more serious with a close friend about a fun little business adventure. Oh, and I took a new job position at work that made me feel less "stuck" within my company.

At the end of the summer, I finally said goodbye to that boy. I wasn't sure it would ever happen. It's been four years and a very, intimate deep seeded history with us. But I stood up for myself! Things even got a little  LOT crazy.  I learned to just let go. Not everyone is going to be open and honest in life, and sometimes people are going to believe lies, and that's gotta be OK with me. I know the truth. I know who I am. I learned not to attempt to overstep our good friend, Karma. Not everything is in my control nor should it be. Sometimes people don't work out. Not even as friends. Everything is OK.

I also learned about the passing of my Dad. That was a hard one. Learning to accept that I'll never get the chance to re-connect. This was huge for me. I learned that I can't keep thinking, "I have time". Because, well, I don't. We don't always have time. That is still a hard one to swallow. I miss him, but I feel him so strongly around me now. And that comforts me. It made me put a lot of things into perspective. I don't sweat the small things as much, and that little lesson about letting go from earlier really hit home. I felt like I was losing a lot this year. But gaining so much at the same time.

Fall came and went so quickly. I anticipated Ana's arrival back home. I felt like I was finally starting to get my groove back (hey, Stella). Life was great, I was loving it. Sunday Funday was a new tradition I started with Jackie and anticipated it every week. For the first time in my life I experienced Buyer's Remorse . And then Ana came home unexpectedly and tragically. While grieving for and with my best friend, I finally got news I had been searching for regarding my Dad and his passing.

With all the sadness returning and refusing to let it swallow me up, I went to my happy place. I also allowed myself to just be in the moment. Not thinking about before or after, but now. I stopped caring so much about what other's thought or may think about me, what I liked or wanted and just did it because I wanted to. I even let a boy in!

I truly did a lot of learning. I can honestly say I am leaving this year a lot lighter feeling. I am thankful and grateful for my experiences. I take something from it all. As I walk through 2012's door I'm not resentful or regretful. I had a lot of goodbye's this year I think it's because I have a lot of "hello"s waiting for me when I knock on 2013's door. And if I hadn't done all that learning and shedding, I wouldn't be able to.

2012, it's been an experience. But it's a block party after all, so it's time to move on over to 2013. I can drink to that.

Happy Hearts, 

Alex 

and so we move forward.

I'm not even going to attempt to sugar coat it. This past week over here has been somber. Depressing to say the least.

I wasn't sure I was able to handle much more heartache and raw emotion after the passing of my best friend's baby. How do you comfort a mother who has lost her child? How do you convince her there's light at the end of the tunnel? You don't. You just let her cry and sob and you listen to her heart break all while letting her know you're there. Secretly allowing your's to break along with her's in silence.

Then the boy who I struggled for so long with and finally said goodbye to, reappeared. His Mom texted me the sweetest, kindest message. She also told me all about him and how she hoped we could get together during the holidays on his trip home. Oh. So, he's yet to tell her that we hate each other's guts at the moment (well, I've decided to stop hating on my end and just let it be). It made me sad that she wants a get together and that's far from impossible. It made me more sad that as adults we've managed to act like children and come to this place where we can't just do that. But oh, well. Like I said, I've let it be. I will say, I do enjoy her friendship.

I got over that hurdle and accepted her kindness, and then received a phone call. "You're never going to believe who I just got off the phone with!" My mom said on the other line. My Dad's sister, Susan. What? I had been trying to to contact my Dad's side of the family since I found out about his death a few months ago. The people I found ignored me and the other numbers I had were dead ends. This week? Out of all weeks. This is the one that my family finds me and wants to reconnect and share how my Dad died. Que any kind of emotion you can think of, multiply by 100 and that's a fraction of how I felt. Oh, and don't forget to add in the all the snotty tears.

Cirrhosis of the liver. I guess that'll happen when you're an alcoholic. What made me the most sad was that he had the option to live. His sister was willing to give some her of liver to him. He declined knowing he wouldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Wow. He chose his addiction over me so many times. But his own life? Wow. Speechless. Heartbreaking. The worst part for me was when Susan told me she had found my Facebook while my Dad was still alive. She printed out my Facebook picture to show him what I looked like all grown up. Why? Why not contact me? I understand the shame and guilt he must've felt, but for Christ's sake. He was dying. He settled for a picture? Another wow. So upsetting and saddening. I'm still attempting to find the gleam of hope and inspiration in this. It's all just a puddle of depressing to me.

I have plans to re-connect with that side of the family. His ashes were thrown into a river he used to always fish at. So I'd like to visit it. Really, I'll just see where it goes from here.

But now? Now I move forward. Because I can't allow this sadness to swallow me up. I won't. I'm not going to repeat the cycle of my Dad. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Happy Hearts,

Alex

Halloween, hangovers and hot messes.

Oh, God. I'm aliiiive. So this weekend was a bit crazy. It definitely took some interesting turns. Our infamous Halloween Party was on Saturday. We got excited for it, invited people and then never really revisited until probably a week prior. All of us seemed to have conflicting schedules, there was never a time when all three of us were going to come together. We decided to do things separately and come together in the evenings before bed. I don't think that ever really happened. Friday we finally got all of our crap together and I got super stoked. Saturday? A few people I was excited to see pulled out and I was bummed feeling like the uncool girl (yeah, yeah). But after a few drinks and realizing a ton of people were in my house having fun and dressed up, I felt a lot better. I opted to go as a sugar skull for the second year in a row (honestly - I had no time to craft a costume).

This is an awful picture. I didn't take ANY pictures before I started drinking. Fail. By the time it dawned on me, I was feelin' the vodka, sweaty, and my makeup was less than stellar. However, this picture does make it appear my nose is lopsided. That I can promise, it was not. Though as the night went on, it probably did get a little smeared. Haha. 

Some of the food. Also, hunch punch. Apparently we wanted people to see double. Oh, and you can kind of see our bloody drapes in the back. My favorite decoration we have in the apartment. :)

Jackie's face!! When you've gone to school for special effects makeup, I suppose you're going to have a pretty kick-ass halloween costume. 

We decided to leave the decorations up until Halloween.  Also, it definitely makes it more eery to watch The Walking Dead with only dim purple lights. On Sunday I was feelin' like a hot mess and our apartment was lookin' a hot mess. It took a while to clean and the amount of liquor we acquired made my tummy hurt all over again.

Currently loving my new ring. :)

So there's my weekend in crappy iphone photos. oh, and I had a surprising visitor show up to the party.  We had something crazy for about a year and had a brief moment. Towards then end I think I decided it just wasn't the right time or place (in all actuality minus that one person - I'm pretty terrified of commitment. Hello, daddy issues!). Well, he showed up and it was a total shock and surprise. I won't get into details (I'm not that open), but it was definitely nice.

I think I'll wrap it up here.  Oh, happy day. 

Let's talk drama, girls! Oy.

I can admit that I'm still learning. Always learning. Currently I'm learning how to walk away with my head high. Or re-learning I should say. I've never really been one to retaliate. For years I've pretty much been a secret keeper and I allowed someone to keep me quiet. Not once did I seek out any kind of revenge or retaliation. In any situation really; no matter how big or little I always tell myself, "the Universe will balance out; karma". I don't need to do anything. But lately? Oh, lately it's been a different story. I wonder if other's have these troubles?

I felt so down and out and like the Universe wasn't working fast enough. I decided I would step in. If this person wanted to destroy me well then I was going to destroy them. Remember my entry about torching a friendship to the ground? Yeah. And I told myself not to look back and I did, regretfully. I got myself into this raging mess. I was ready for a war full of drama. I wasn't going to let someone think I was a lying basket case. If there's one thing I've ever prided myself on since I was little girl, it's been that I'm honest. Honest and open. So to have someone insinuate otherwise made me fume. How do I walk away without saying anything at all? For a moment I let people who meant absolutely nothing to me get the best of me. And I'm better than that. Why was this such a hard task for me? I've got who I want by my side, why do I care about people who are now the past and the strangers they currently have in their lives? I shouldn't. I don't. But sometimes it's aggravating to know in your heart of hearts that you are right and spoke out and no one believes because of what they're told and in turn you get called names.

So, here I am. Learning again. To walk away. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. They are no one. And I truly believe the Universe will balance itself back out. Karma, gals and gents. Karma. I tried to overstep it and push it along, but it's not my place. So, Karma, I'm giving it back up to you. It's your's. I'm sorry.

Let's end this with my newest obsession. I've been a fan of Ellie for a long while now. I've posted a song of her's last week. But I can't get her album outta my ears. Love at first play. Robyn has always had my heart. She always will. But I'm telling you, I'm making room for Ellie because my god. She's pretty amaze.

I watched this last night and fell in love all over again. Oh, Ellie. :)

Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad, sad zoo.

I grew up on the beach. That's always been my happy place. When I needed time to just be alone with my thoughts I always retreated there. There's something so magical about the Ocean.  Whether you're happy, sad, indifferent. There's just this calm that comes over you and you realize you're not alone. The Universe as huge as it is, is right there by your side. Putting things into perspective. I just love it.

Living in Orlando I don't have the luxury of taking a five or ten minute stroll down to the Ocean to just take it all in. But I have something close to it.... Disney World! ;)

I don't care how old I am, I don't think anyone is ever too old for Disney.

The end of this week has been a rough one on my spirits. Dealing with my Dad has been hard for sure. It comes in spurts. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm drowning myself in unhappy, sad thoughts and I'm breaking down. And that boy I said goodbye to a month or so ago? Yeah, he came back with a vengeance and I've been dealing with that on my end. I asked him not to and he insisted texting me.

I torched any kind of relationship to the ground and with no signs of it ever resurrecting. And that's hard. Because I tried to bow out gracefully. I tried to leave the crazy out and just be peaceful and calm. It didn't have to end for good, just for a little while I kept telling him and myself.  He didn't want it to end for good, I told him it wouldn't, I just needed space. Oh. It ended for good. And I'm sad to say it ended with me basically lighting a match and torching it while I walked away with said "friendship" in flames behind me. Don't look back, Alex. Just don't look back, and don't dare shed a tear. Stand tall, stand strong.

I found myself listening to Ellie Goulding and I closed my eyes and just started swaying. Before I knew I was full on dancing and crying. "I feel you, Dad. I know you're with me" I whispered. I really do believe that. But I need some happy today. Today I need to just forget about it all.  I'm sick of these melancholy days.

So, here's to the happiest place on Earth! Disney, here I come! :)

Ramble, ramble.

Source: myfavoritethings-miranda.blogspot.com via Alex on Pinterest

I found this on Pinterest and immediately decided I needed to text it to my room mate. Naturally our plan tonight is to make this or at least something close to it. One of the perks of living with two girls. 

Over the weekend I found myself reading old journals and getting nostalgic. I just wanted to text the forbidden boy I spoke about a few entries ago. I missed him. Then I decided to turn to Twitter and before I knew it I was a ball of sad emotions. Shortly after I had recieved a text from him "checking in" with me. Apparently he misses me too. This sent me into even more emotions. Why do women do these kind of things to ourselves? I quickly nixed my behavior and feelings and within an hour my pity party was over and I was back on track to livin' the good life! ;) Or something like it anyway.

Speaking of good life. I'm so ready for some type of getaway. I want to plan a fun, inspiring trip. Whether it's in the middle of nowhere or tucked away in a quaint beach town, I just want to go somewhere. Truly free my mind. Today I thought maybe a cruise would be fun. I've never been on one. I need suggestions!

Until next time. I'll be in my kitchen day dreaming of mini-vacations and eating chocolate-y goodness. :)

boy talk!

I'm not sure when I found this, but I saved it, forgot and came across it today while looking through pictures. It rings so true to me. I think we've all had that boy (or two) who he hold on to for what ever reason and just can't let go. We put more effort into them and the relationship than they do. And it sucks. It leaves you feeling sad and upset and often times like you're not worth it.

I've been dealing with this for probably the past two years or so. Yes, you read that right. TWO. YEARS. Yes, this probably does mean that I am crazy. I just felt like with such deep seeded history and with everything we had been through, I couldn't let go. Because I didn't want to let go of that history. I hated accepting the fact that we weren't together and probably would never be again, let alone that we probably weren't going to be close friends. So I hung on like a child hangs on to a parent because they're terrified. Totally looking past the fact that he wasn't even putting a quarter of the effort that I was into this so called "friendship" that we said we wanted if we weren't going to be together. It didn't help that we weren't sure where the line was or how to be platonic. Sometimes we were more than friends, sometimes we were just friends. Our line was very, very blurry.

Him moving was probably the best thing to happen to me because I wasn't as wrapped up in it. But I did text to my little heart's content. I constantly wanted to make sure he was OK, that he was having fun, what was he doing? Was he making new friends? Oh God, was he dating?! I couldn't handle that. But I wasn't ready to let go so I just kept smothering. I mean after all, eventually he'll get his shit together and realize not only am I a bomb ass friend, but sweet mother of God, I'm a great girlfriend and how could he NOT be with me??

Except... that never happened. Oh, but it kind of did at one point.  A random text in the middle of the day earlier this Summer to tell me he had been thinking of me and us and wanted me to not only make the trek across the country to be with him, but to move in with him. WHAT?! Oh, shit. My heart sank and fluttered. But then his words were quickly retracted and he decided he was "lonely" and it wasn't actually going to work; it was impossible. He would send me mixed signals like this. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.

I'm not sure what clicked in my brain. Maybe it's that I'm 26 and feeling more and more like a woman and not a young girl who still fumbles to find her way. I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin, and damnit man, I think I'm kind of worth it.

Just like that, the sun came out, my foggy head cleared and bam. He was out of my life, just like that. No turning back. I had to do it because I wasn't worth his time. Why should he be worth mine? It was liberating to know that I put my foot down. I ended it. I said no more. The more I went out I realized, there were nice guys who wanted to date me. WHAT?! No way! Had this always been happening and I was just too blinded by the other guy who so clearly was taking advantage of my kindness?! Whoa.

Who knows what's to come of this. But I'll tell you how lovely and freeing it feels. I feel for any woman out there who has a sad little story like mine, because I get it. I didn't use to, but now I do. I wish we could all see just how great we are. We are women, hear us roar. :)

P.S. Follow my Blog with Bloglovin'!

Oh, life.

I had such great intentions when I finally got the courage to write in this little blog. I knew I wouldn't be an every-day-gal, but definitely three or so times a week. And then life happened. I find myself so busy that I don't have time to read my favorite blogs let alone write. I also still have a hard time deciding how open I'd like to be. How much I'd like for anyone and everyone to know. While I'm young, times have definitely changed. I come from the days of Livejournal where you had a close circle of friends you shared with those who you trust. Not the world. I mean, not just everyone can know my deepest thoughts, ya know. Finding that happy medium has been hard for me.

But here I am! Once again. Let's see. Where do I start? Well, I was offered a different position at the school I work at. So I am now driving around every which way to recruit people. It's definitely a lot different than what I'm used to. But it's always fun to change things up. I'm learning how to succeed at this new job. It's challenging which is always a plus. Keeps me on my toes.

I got a puppy, Kingston. I love him to death, but with this new position, I'm home less and less. I feel absolutely terrible that I took this puppy in and now don't have the time for him. I love him to pieces. Just today I spoke to a close friend who is in a need a furry baby (her family's was stolen not too long ago). Her son would just adore Kingston as would my friend and her husband. While it absolutely devastates me and breaks my heart to not be Kingston's dog-mama, I know he will be in good hands and deserves a family with a large yard. Besides, I'm sure we can still be close friends. :)

Most recently I decided it was time to let go of a certain person in my life (an ex that I still continue to speak to - I know, I know). He had come back home unexpectedly, and we met up. We had both decided a while back that in a perfect world where we weren't literally on opposite sides of the country, we would be together. But it just can't be. After seeing him on his trip home, I decided I still had feelings and couldn't shake them. Also, knowing he's attempting to "move on" with his life and date, I just couldn't take it. I decided that as much as I'd love to be able to be friends, it's impossible for me. Especially with mixed signals from him. So for the first time ever I stepped up and put my foot down. I don't expect it to be forever, but I have to learn how to let go and move on.

Aaaand that about wraps up my life. Well, kind of. But I really should stop here. Until next time. :)

We're already 15 days into 2012!

Oh, my! It's been a while.  The holidays were lovely and ringing in the new year was great. I realize that with a new year comes a ton of (mostly unrealistic) resolutions. Also, "This is MY year!" or "This is THE year" all over social networking sites. I've sure been guilty of this. However, I kind of stopped doing it because I realized I was hyping myself up for a huge let down. And well, that can be a bummer.

BUT. I can honestly say I feel like there is a lot of positive energy surrounding 2012. Now, I'm not going to jinx myself with those crazy resolutions (I'm going to go the gym every day, volunteer three times a week & diet), but I am looking forward to a really great year. I feel like if anything spectacular is going to happen, this is going to be the year.

I started out just right by allowing people in my past to re-enter. Finally learning how to remember the past without holding a grudge or allowing it to bring back unhappy feelings. Allowing it to truly be a lesson and educate me and still being able to be open and connected to the other person without those harsh feelings attached. It's a lovely feeling.

I think this year I'm looking forward to being connected more to my friends, loved ones, and the Universe in general. So many of us are just walking through life like Zombies. Not being present in every moment. So, if I had to make a resolution and without it being something I know I can't obtain I suppose it would be to stop and smell those dang flowers.

Hello, 2012. Let's have a swell year. :)