and so we move forward.

I'm not even going to attempt to sugar coat it. This past week over here has been somber. Depressing to say the least.

I wasn't sure I was able to handle much more heartache and raw emotion after the passing of my best friend's baby. How do you comfort a mother who has lost her child? How do you convince her there's light at the end of the tunnel? You don't. You just let her cry and sob and you listen to her heart break all while letting her know you're there. Secretly allowing your's to break along with her's in silence.

Then the boy who I struggled for so long with and finally said goodbye to, reappeared. His Mom texted me the sweetest, kindest message. She also told me all about him and how she hoped we could get together during the holidays on his trip home. Oh. So, he's yet to tell her that we hate each other's guts at the moment (well, I've decided to stop hating on my end and just let it be). It made me sad that she wants a get together and that's far from impossible. It made me more sad that as adults we've managed to act like children and come to this place where we can't just do that. But oh, well. Like I said, I've let it be. I will say, I do enjoy her friendship.

I got over that hurdle and accepted her kindness, and then received a phone call. "You're never going to believe who I just got off the phone with!" My mom said on the other line. My Dad's sister, Susan. What? I had been trying to to contact my Dad's side of the family since I found out about his death a few months ago. The people I found ignored me and the other numbers I had were dead ends. This week? Out of all weeks. This is the one that my family finds me and wants to reconnect and share how my Dad died. Que any kind of emotion you can think of, multiply by 100 and that's a fraction of how I felt. Oh, and don't forget to add in the all the snotty tears.

Cirrhosis of the liver. I guess that'll happen when you're an alcoholic. What made me the most sad was that he had the option to live. His sister was willing to give some her of liver to him. He declined knowing he wouldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Wow. He chose his addiction over me so many times. But his own life? Wow. Speechless. Heartbreaking. The worst part for me was when Susan told me she had found my Facebook while my Dad was still alive. She printed out my Facebook picture to show him what I looked like all grown up. Why? Why not contact me? I understand the shame and guilt he must've felt, but for Christ's sake. He was dying. He settled for a picture? Another wow. So upsetting and saddening. I'm still attempting to find the gleam of hope and inspiration in this. It's all just a puddle of depressing to me.

I have plans to re-connect with that side of the family. His ashes were thrown into a river he used to always fish at. So I'd like to visit it. Really, I'll just see where it goes from here.

But now? Now I move forward. Because I can't allow this sadness to swallow me up. I won't. I'm not going to repeat the cycle of my Dad. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Happy Hearts,

Alex