But classy girls don't kiss in bars, you fool.

Alright, 2012, looks like this is it. We rode it out for 365 days and now it's time for you to hit the road. Never to be seen again; bittersweet. Mostly, I think you and I had fun and lots and lots of learning.

In the beginning of the year I was set on creating the best year possible. I felt like the energy surrounding me was so thick with positivity. This was truly "my year".

In the spring I turned twenty-six and started to really panic. I was no longer in my "early to mid twenties". I can now be referred to as "late twenties" and I'm four years away from thirty. Which wouldn't be so terrifying if I felt like I had some direction to my life. Ha. We also needed to find ourselves a third room mate as the current one decided she was on her way to the big apple to move in with friends of our's that already lived there.

Summer came and it couldn't have been a rougher time for me. In the beginning of the year, I had decided I was at a point to let an old boyfriend back into my life as a good friend. Things got complicated when he asked me to move in with him (across country mind you) and then it unraveled and I realized I wasn't sure we knew how to be "just friends". Ever.  Shit was not fun to say the least. I learned a lot about myself though. We also said goodbye to our third room mate and welcomed a new friend into our home. I got more serious with a close friend about a fun little business adventure. Oh, and I took a new job position at work that made me feel less "stuck" within my company.

At the end of the summer, I finally said goodbye to that boy. I wasn't sure it would ever happen. It's been four years and a very, intimate deep seeded history with us. But I stood up for myself! Things even got a little  LOT crazy.  I learned to just let go. Not everyone is going to be open and honest in life, and sometimes people are going to believe lies, and that's gotta be OK with me. I know the truth. I know who I am. I learned not to attempt to overstep our good friend, Karma. Not everything is in my control nor should it be. Sometimes people don't work out. Not even as friends. Everything is OK.

I also learned about the passing of my Dad. That was a hard one. Learning to accept that I'll never get the chance to re-connect. This was huge for me. I learned that I can't keep thinking, "I have time". Because, well, I don't. We don't always have time. That is still a hard one to swallow. I miss him, but I feel him so strongly around me now. And that comforts me. It made me put a lot of things into perspective. I don't sweat the small things as much, and that little lesson about letting go from earlier really hit home. I felt like I was losing a lot this year. But gaining so much at the same time.

Fall came and went so quickly. I anticipated Ana's arrival back home. I felt like I was finally starting to get my groove back (hey, Stella). Life was great, I was loving it. Sunday Funday was a new tradition I started with Jackie and anticipated it every week. For the first time in my life I experienced Buyer's Remorse . And then Ana came home unexpectedly and tragically. While grieving for and with my best friend, I finally got news I had been searching for regarding my Dad and his passing.

With all the sadness returning and refusing to let it swallow me up, I went to my happy place. I also allowed myself to just be in the moment. Not thinking about before or after, but now. I stopped caring so much about what other's thought or may think about me, what I liked or wanted and just did it because I wanted to. I even let a boy in!

I truly did a lot of learning. I can honestly say I am leaving this year a lot lighter feeling. I am thankful and grateful for my experiences. I take something from it all. As I walk through 2012's door I'm not resentful or regretful. I had a lot of goodbye's this year I think it's because I have a lot of "hello"s waiting for me when I knock on 2013's door. And if I hadn't done all that learning and shedding, I wouldn't be able to.

2012, it's been an experience. But it's a block party after all, so it's time to move on over to 2013. I can drink to that.

Happy Hearts, 

Alex 

and so we move forward.

I'm not even going to attempt to sugar coat it. This past week over here has been somber. Depressing to say the least.

I wasn't sure I was able to handle much more heartache and raw emotion after the passing of my best friend's baby. How do you comfort a mother who has lost her child? How do you convince her there's light at the end of the tunnel? You don't. You just let her cry and sob and you listen to her heart break all while letting her know you're there. Secretly allowing your's to break along with her's in silence.

Then the boy who I struggled for so long with and finally said goodbye to, reappeared. His Mom texted me the sweetest, kindest message. She also told me all about him and how she hoped we could get together during the holidays on his trip home. Oh. So, he's yet to tell her that we hate each other's guts at the moment (well, I've decided to stop hating on my end and just let it be). It made me sad that she wants a get together and that's far from impossible. It made me more sad that as adults we've managed to act like children and come to this place where we can't just do that. But oh, well. Like I said, I've let it be. I will say, I do enjoy her friendship.

I got over that hurdle and accepted her kindness, and then received a phone call. "You're never going to believe who I just got off the phone with!" My mom said on the other line. My Dad's sister, Susan. What? I had been trying to to contact my Dad's side of the family since I found out about his death a few months ago. The people I found ignored me and the other numbers I had were dead ends. This week? Out of all weeks. This is the one that my family finds me and wants to reconnect and share how my Dad died. Que any kind of emotion you can think of, multiply by 100 and that's a fraction of how I felt. Oh, and don't forget to add in the all the snotty tears.

Cirrhosis of the liver. I guess that'll happen when you're an alcoholic. What made me the most sad was that he had the option to live. His sister was willing to give some her of liver to him. He declined knowing he wouldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Wow. He chose his addiction over me so many times. But his own life? Wow. Speechless. Heartbreaking. The worst part for me was when Susan told me she had found my Facebook while my Dad was still alive. She printed out my Facebook picture to show him what I looked like all grown up. Why? Why not contact me? I understand the shame and guilt he must've felt, but for Christ's sake. He was dying. He settled for a picture? Another wow. So upsetting and saddening. I'm still attempting to find the gleam of hope and inspiration in this. It's all just a puddle of depressing to me.

I have plans to re-connect with that side of the family. His ashes were thrown into a river he used to always fish at. So I'd like to visit it. Really, I'll just see where it goes from here.

But now? Now I move forward. Because I can't allow this sadness to swallow me up. I won't. I'm not going to repeat the cycle of my Dad. I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Happy Hearts,

Alex

Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad, sad zoo.

I grew up on the beach. That's always been my happy place. When I needed time to just be alone with my thoughts I always retreated there. There's something so magical about the Ocean.  Whether you're happy, sad, indifferent. There's just this calm that comes over you and you realize you're not alone. The Universe as huge as it is, is right there by your side. Putting things into perspective. I just love it.

Living in Orlando I don't have the luxury of taking a five or ten minute stroll down to the Ocean to just take it all in. But I have something close to it.... Disney World! ;)

I don't care how old I am, I don't think anyone is ever too old for Disney.

The end of this week has been a rough one on my spirits. Dealing with my Dad has been hard for sure. It comes in spurts. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm drowning myself in unhappy, sad thoughts and I'm breaking down. And that boy I said goodbye to a month or so ago? Yeah, he came back with a vengeance and I've been dealing with that on my end. I asked him not to and he insisted texting me.

I torched any kind of relationship to the ground and with no signs of it ever resurrecting. And that's hard. Because I tried to bow out gracefully. I tried to leave the crazy out and just be peaceful and calm. It didn't have to end for good, just for a little while I kept telling him and myself.  He didn't want it to end for good, I told him it wouldn't, I just needed space. Oh. It ended for good. And I'm sad to say it ended with me basically lighting a match and torching it while I walked away with said "friendship" in flames behind me. Don't look back, Alex. Just don't look back, and don't dare shed a tear. Stand tall, stand strong.

I found myself listening to Ellie Goulding and I closed my eyes and just started swaying. Before I knew I was full on dancing and crying. "I feel you, Dad. I know you're with me" I whispered. I really do believe that. But I need some happy today. Today I need to just forget about it all.  I'm sick of these melancholy days.

So, here's to the happiest place on Earth! Disney, here I come! :)

I built a hive, became one with the bees.

I don't know what my deal is lately. I honestly think it has something to do with finding out about my Dad's passing and searching for family to find out what happened. But also how to deal with it in a healthy manner and still go to work and be productive.

I find myself daydreaming constantly of what I could be doing instead. What my life will be like in five, ten years. If I don't plan on doing this, why am I still doing it then?! I'm getting older, not younger and life is flying by (so cliche, but so true). I get overwhelmed by all the work it will take and even more overwhelmed by the money (that I don't have) that it will take to do what I want to do (yes, I'm being vague, hello). I end up putting it on the back burner because in classic Alex style, if something overwhelms me I ignore it and take a nap! So I turn into a robot and just do what's required of me at my current job in hopes that what I really, really want will just fall into my lap. But you know what? THAT NEVER HAPPENS, ALEX. DUH! But I think sometimes I feel like I'll be the exception (I realize I won't be. This is just my silly internal dialogue).

But until any of that all really happens I still have to figure out how to muster up the motivation to do what I'm doing now. It's super hard. How do people just trudge through it? I've never been on of those I don't think. I'm notorious for kicking and screaming and all out tantrums if I'm doing something I don't like. I almost always give up and throw in the towel because up until recently I couldn't comprehend doing something you didn't want to do.

Anyway, I'm not sure what will come of this life. I would like to spend it being the happiest I could possibly be and not miserable or with regrets or asking myself, "why didn't I...?". So, I think there are many lessons to learn from my Dad. But the first one that I've learned so far is to get off my damn ass and work for what I want because that's the only way anything is going to happen and I don't want to regret never doing it or feeling like it's too late.

And just for the heck of it, here are my halloween inspired nails (be my instagram friend! - organicalex). I'm obsessed with nail polish. Just ignore my messy painting. It was late! ;)

Dealing with the death of a Parent.

Before I get too serious and depressing in this post, let's just talk about my new specs. Yeah, buddy. Nothing like a free pair of frames to light my fire. Am I really talking like that? Clearly that's how stoked I am over these glasses being free. I was aimlessly browsing Facebook one day when I noticed an offer from Coastal.com for a free pair of frames. You mean, all I have to pay for are the lenses? Sign me up, holmes! I'll be honest, I thought maybe I made a mistake when I put them on. I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. But I've worn them for two days and I dig them. I got some pretty sweet compliments too and that's always nice.

Onto the heavier stuff. Thursday was probably one of the best days I've had in a while and I can't even tell you why. I worked, it was beautiful out, I even got to chat with my best friend (she's in Peru serving two years in the PeaceCorp), and it was a long chat. We talked about everything, anything, and nothing all at once. I really think that was the icing on the cake and it just really brightened my day. We haven't been able to speak that long in a while; it was almost like the good ol' days.

Later on that evening I got to thinking about my Dad. My Dad was in and out of my life until I was twelve. I won't sugar coat anything and I'm a pretty honest gal so we'll just say it. He had his fair share of addictions to alcohol and drugs. I never witnessed any kind of violence or hostility or anything a child shouldn't witness. It just resulted in a Dad that was pretty flakey and full of empty promises and always absent in my life. When he was around I was the biggest Daddy's girl. I just could never get my fill of that man. And while my heart always ached that he'd leave me,  and I'd go months without hearing from him, I always (always) loved him. As I got older I think it was because I saw so much of him in myself. Free spirits. Never wanting to be "the norm". Of course I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but I think I got his bouts of depression and creative, funky mindset. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was just so ashamed of going so long without seeing me he didn't know how to re-enter my life. He wanted to save me the heartache he caused by being in my life so he opted to just stay out of it. In a way, I can respect him for that. I always felt like when I was old enough and ready, I'd seek him out (we lived in the same town for years and even when I moved, we were only an hour apart). I always fantasized rebuilding a relationship with him and connecting.

Like I said, I started thinking about my Dad. These past two weeks or so he's been on my mind heavily. Every little thing I did - he was immediately on my mind. Why? I'm a big believer in signs. It was almost like something was telling me to find him. So I Googled him. I had searched for him not too long ago through the county Clerk of Courts and didn't come up with anything. I figured Google may bring something, anything up. And it did. The first thing that came up was my Dad's obituary.

I'm not sure I can explain the feeling that came over me. First it was disbelief; denial. When I re-opened the laptop (I slammed it closed when I first glanced hoping when I re-opened it'd be gone) and re-read it I realized I really was reading my Father's obituary. He died October 12, 2011. And it appears no one really wrote him an obituary. It's just a one-liner. I felt like any air I had in my lungs just dissipated and I felt my heart stop and just shatter. My skin went ice cold and my body lost all feeling. And as soon as I gasped for air, the tears just came like two giants waterfalls. Pain. Regret. Emptiness. Deep, dark sadness.

I'm dealing with the regret of never reaching out to him. It wasn't something I was against - I wanted to reunite and I never did out of fear and just putting it off. I'll never see him again. I'll never get to reach out. Ever. What kind of daughter am I? I just feel so awful and horrible about it all. To top it off I have no clue how I can find out what happened to him.

This next week I'm devoting any extra time I have to finding my relatives on his side (after hours of research, two people that I think may know my uncle [one being his wife] haven't responded to Facebook messages and two phone numbers I found are disconnected). I want to know what happened to my Father. Why did he die at a young age? What kind of lifestyle was he living before he died? Why didn't anyone try to contact me or find me??

There's a lot of answers I'm hoping to find and a peace I'm seeking in my heart and my mind.

Love you, Dad.