Dealing with the death of a Parent.

Before I get too serious and depressing in this post, let's just talk about my new specs. Yeah, buddy. Nothing like a free pair of frames to light my fire. Am I really talking like that? Clearly that's how stoked I am over these glasses being free. I was aimlessly browsing Facebook one day when I noticed an offer from Coastal.com for a free pair of frames. You mean, all I have to pay for are the lenses? Sign me up, holmes! I'll be honest, I thought maybe I made a mistake when I put them on. I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. But I've worn them for two days and I dig them. I got some pretty sweet compliments too and that's always nice.

Onto the heavier stuff. Thursday was probably one of the best days I've had in a while and I can't even tell you why. I worked, it was beautiful out, I even got to chat with my best friend (she's in Peru serving two years in the PeaceCorp), and it was a long chat. We talked about everything, anything, and nothing all at once. I really think that was the icing on the cake and it just really brightened my day. We haven't been able to speak that long in a while; it was almost like the good ol' days.

Later on that evening I got to thinking about my Dad. My Dad was in and out of my life until I was twelve. I won't sugar coat anything and I'm a pretty honest gal so we'll just say it. He had his fair share of addictions to alcohol and drugs. I never witnessed any kind of violence or hostility or anything a child shouldn't witness. It just resulted in a Dad that was pretty flakey and full of empty promises and always absent in my life. When he was around I was the biggest Daddy's girl. I just could never get my fill of that man. And while my heart always ached that he'd leave me,  and I'd go months without hearing from him, I always (always) loved him. As I got older I think it was because I saw so much of him in myself. Free spirits. Never wanting to be "the norm". Of course I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but I think I got his bouts of depression and creative, funky mindset. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was just so ashamed of going so long without seeing me he didn't know how to re-enter my life. He wanted to save me the heartache he caused by being in my life so he opted to just stay out of it. In a way, I can respect him for that. I always felt like when I was old enough and ready, I'd seek him out (we lived in the same town for years and even when I moved, we were only an hour apart). I always fantasized rebuilding a relationship with him and connecting.

Like I said, I started thinking about my Dad. These past two weeks or so he's been on my mind heavily. Every little thing I did - he was immediately on my mind. Why? I'm a big believer in signs. It was almost like something was telling me to find him. So I Googled him. I had searched for him not too long ago through the county Clerk of Courts and didn't come up with anything. I figured Google may bring something, anything up. And it did. The first thing that came up was my Dad's obituary.

I'm not sure I can explain the feeling that came over me. First it was disbelief; denial. When I re-opened the laptop (I slammed it closed when I first glanced hoping when I re-opened it'd be gone) and re-read it I realized I really was reading my Father's obituary. He died October 12, 2011. And it appears no one really wrote him an obituary. It's just a one-liner. I felt like any air I had in my lungs just dissipated and I felt my heart stop and just shatter. My skin went ice cold and my body lost all feeling. And as soon as I gasped for air, the tears just came like two giants waterfalls. Pain. Regret. Emptiness. Deep, dark sadness.

I'm dealing with the regret of never reaching out to him. It wasn't something I was against - I wanted to reunite and I never did out of fear and just putting it off. I'll never see him again. I'll never get to reach out. Ever. What kind of daughter am I? I just feel so awful and horrible about it all. To top it off I have no clue how I can find out what happened to him.

This next week I'm devoting any extra time I have to finding my relatives on his side (after hours of research, two people that I think may know my uncle [one being his wife] haven't responded to Facebook messages and two phone numbers I found are disconnected). I want to know what happened to my Father. Why did he die at a young age? What kind of lifestyle was he living before he died? Why didn't anyone try to contact me or find me??

There's a lot of answers I'm hoping to find and a peace I'm seeking in my heart and my mind.

Love you, Dad.