I built a hive, became one with the bees.

I don't know what my deal is lately. I honestly think it has something to do with finding out about my Dad's passing and searching for family to find out what happened. But also how to deal with it in a healthy manner and still go to work and be productive.

I find myself daydreaming constantly of what I could be doing instead. What my life will be like in five, ten years. If I don't plan on doing this, why am I still doing it then?! I'm getting older, not younger and life is flying by (so cliche, but so true). I get overwhelmed by all the work it will take and even more overwhelmed by the money (that I don't have) that it will take to do what I want to do (yes, I'm being vague, hello). I end up putting it on the back burner because in classic Alex style, if something overwhelms me I ignore it and take a nap! So I turn into a robot and just do what's required of me at my current job in hopes that what I really, really want will just fall into my lap. But you know what? THAT NEVER HAPPENS, ALEX. DUH! But I think sometimes I feel like I'll be the exception (I realize I won't be. This is just my silly internal dialogue).

But until any of that all really happens I still have to figure out how to muster up the motivation to do what I'm doing now. It's super hard. How do people just trudge through it? I've never been on of those I don't think. I'm notorious for kicking and screaming and all out tantrums if I'm doing something I don't like. I almost always give up and throw in the towel because up until recently I couldn't comprehend doing something you didn't want to do.

Anyway, I'm not sure what will come of this life. I would like to spend it being the happiest I could possibly be and not miserable or with regrets or asking myself, "why didn't I...?". So, I think there are many lessons to learn from my Dad. But the first one that I've learned so far is to get off my damn ass and work for what I want because that's the only way anything is going to happen and I don't want to regret never doing it or feeling like it's too late.

And just for the heck of it, here are my halloween inspired nails (be my instagram friend! - organicalex). I'm obsessed with nail polish. Just ignore my messy painting. It was late! ;)