Monday musings.

Time.

I fucking hate time. I constantly make time my excuse. But when I really sit with myself I can pretty much always come to the conclusion it's not that I'm lacking time. I'm lacking motivation, feelings, drive, want. I have time. I don't want to make time. 

Because when I really, really want to do something. When I'm so excited I feel like I may jump out of myself. When I can't get something out of my head; I make time. I find my way to that thing that has me reeling in those good feelings. Time becomes mine and I do what I want with it. Unless I'm dreading something; it's the last possible thing I'd like to do or I'm just avoiding something and then time becomes something I can't control and I don't have enough of it. 

We all play this game, I think. We all know it. Yet we believe when people say they have none. And what about the people who think they have all the time in the world. Work now, play later mentality and then they die? As far we know, they aren't coming back and picking up where they left off. They are gone. And so is their time. 

I really sat with this yesterday. When that person is constantly telling me they don't have time to do this or do that. I now believe they have time, they just don't view me or what I'm asking of them important enough to make time. I realize this may not be intentional. They've become a slave to time. And maybe I have too. 

While it may or may not be hurtful to come to that conclusion - it's a truth I had to accept. And in all honestly, I didn't get angry, upset, or hurt. I just sat with it. Getting to know it. Then I released it. 

Time, you aren't a good friend. I don't know how long you'll be around. So, right now, you're mine and I will do what I want with you. In these moments I have, I am not your's, you are mine.