Doctor, Doctor, gimme the news!

Spent this past weekend with my Mom and had such a great time with her.
:)

I know I am not alone in my fear of the Doctor and going. But the more I talk about this with my friends, the more I realize that my super-duper-crazy-heightened fear of the Doctor is abnormal. And I suppose could be considered a phobia. 

The last time I went to the Doctor, I was eleven. Now, thankfully I've never had anything severely wrong with me that made me think I needed to see one. I finally got my blood drawn for the first time ever about two years ago. 

My close friend and once room mate who is a nurse never really bothered me about it. I assume if anyone is going to make a stink in my life about it - it's going to be her, right? Well, my current room mate found out and she's an EMT. I think I saw steam come out of her ears when she heard how old I was. Then I took to Twitter and a few people were so shocked. 

Apparently this isn't normal. But I'm SO SCARED TO GO. Dentist? Love. Give me a teeth cleaning everyday all day. Doctor? Pass. I don't want to hear would could potentially be wrong with me. In my head I envision the Dr. telling me I have a rare form of cancer that has spread and I have ten minutes to live. No thanks! 

The craziest part? I have insurance. I pay (a lot) of money for something I don't take advantage of. 

Lately (and especially after everyone scaring me even more for not going) I've felt "off". I feel like I need to see a Doctor and get a check up. Just to make sure everything's ok. I have spent much of my life fatigued, and it's getting worse. I am always tired. I wake up and I'm ready for a nap. I have no energy. And it didn't even dawn on me I could fix this. What?!

My new insurance packet and cards came in the mail today for the new year, and I think I'm going to put them to use. Finally. 

Death. This is a hard one.

Death. Scary, right? Maybe not for some, but I think for most, there's at least a little bit of fear that creeps in when you think about it. Probably not a popular blog topic, but here we go. ;)

When I was younger, I was taught about Heaven and the afterlife. I remember sitting in the car and closing my eyes and feeling the sun hit me and the wind blow my hair all around. I remember thinking, "I can't wait to die. I get to see Grandaddy and Mamaw!" I was probably five or so. I wasn't scared to die. I knew it would happen to everyone, and it was the way this world worked. One day we would all reunite again. So while it was devastating to lose someone and moving on without that loved one seemed unbearable, there was apart of me that could rest easy knowing we'd see each other again.

Some twenty odd years later, I still believe in an after life. I'm unsure about God and Heaven. But there's one thing I feel like I know for sure, and that is that we all are souls and one day we will all transition over into an afterlife. However, somewhere along the way I developed this crazy fear of death. I can keep myself up all night with my thoughts going 100 miles per hour on death. I even scare myself out of sleeping in fear that I'll never wake up. What if I'm all wrong? What if there isn't an after life? I'm gone forever. My Dad, my Gramma, Grampa, Grandaddy, Mamaw... all gone. Forever. I remember once trying to explain this to an ex-boyfriend and he couldn't even talk about it because the idea scared him so much. I'm starting to become like that and I'd like not to.

Then I start thinking about how death is so unexpected. I mean, I know that's so obvious and where all those, "Live like today is the last!" sayings come from. But I guess sometimes I re-realize just how unexpected it is and I think, "Shit, if I died tonight, I didn't live a very cool life. I didn't do anything I wanted! I never knew what it was like to have children, travel the world, open my own my business, etc, etc!" Then I upset myself.

This was all brought up in conversation with Ana recently. She had listened to a podcast about death by a Buddhist religious figure. He spoke about how meditation feels so great because it's the act of "letting go". Many meditate several times a day because of how enlightening this is, how great is makes them feel, etc. Death is the ultimate act of "letting go". So if meditation is amazing, imagine how death must feel. This really spoke to me. I never thought of it that way. Nor would I have had I not had this conversation.

He went on to say that it's OK to lie to yourself. What's the harm in allowing yourself to believe there's an afterlife? A Heaven? A God? If you're wrong in the end, it's ok. At least you lived a life in comfort and ease. This blew me away. This is so right on. Why not allow myself the comfort to believe that there's an after life and I will meet again with my loved ones?

I decided that's how I want to look at it and feel about it. I want to change my outlook on death and my feelings towards it. I want to throw away that insane fear I developed and have that clarity and peace I did about death when I was five.

And if I'm all wrong about it? Well, it's too late anyway. ;)